The First Time I Took A Test Seriously
If someone had told me that the most life changing moment for me would have to entail me catching my pee in a cup, dip a stick into it and watch said stick for a full minute, I would have kicked their teeth in.
I did that. TWICE.
I really did not know how the entire thing worked. It was my first time to use a pregnancy test. I even had to calmly walk around the drugstore, picking up the odd thing now and then, just to look innocent while looking for the damn test. Perhaps the attendants at Watson’s, Eastwood have a sixth sense about pregnancies or I was beginning to look like a shoplifter when one of them approached me. They told me that perhaps what I was looking for could be found at the counter. And lo and behold, aptly placed next to the condoms, and candies (WTF, right?) are those damn pregnancy tests.
I bought 2 boxes along with a Gummi Gecko and walked out of the place. For the first time in my life, I actually read the instructions on a test. Unlike university entrance exams or job tests, I can’t eff up this exam. I had let Batman (aka fate) decide where I would go to college or which job I should take, but for this one? Being a mom is a completely different ball game.
While waiting for the test to turn positive (yes, I was that sure), I kept thinking of the future. How do I tell my boyfriend? How do I tell my family? How do I tell my cat that he’s not the only travel-sized being I would be feeding nachos in the middle of the night?
Then, as the first stripe came up, my thoughts jumped to my work. Do I HAVE to quit? I had just transferred to a different department. Everything was still new to me. How was I going to manage unfamiliar tasks AND deal with all the upcoming hormones and changes?
When I saw the second stripe slowly show itself, I began to cry. I was not sad because I did not want the kid. I cried because all of a sudden, I felt the invincibility and arrogance of youth snatched away from me. I know I would have to find a way to be a good mother financially, morally and emotionally but I realized that I did not have ANY of those.
When my boyfriend finally came home, I told him about it and unlike my extremely dramatic reaction, he was just happy. Perhaps the happiest I’ve ever seen him. I couldn’t understand why he was so insensitive and oblivious to the fears that I was harboring. But instead of throwing a tantrum, I just let myself enjoy his happiness and suddenly, I was happy too. There we were, after two years of dating we finally did something productive. In retrospect, that test was the only one I have taken seriously and the only one with the result I was truly happy to have let me take into another chapter into my life.