How To Irritate The F*ck Out Of Yourself


Being in recruitment requires me to have at least one phone at my disposal. I have a land line phone at work that we use to contact applicants but the problem with that is candidates cannot call or text us back for inquiries, confirmations or any information that would help make our lives a little easier. I have a personal phone and I am fortunate enough to have communications allowance to help me pay my bills especially since I text and call my applicants even when I am home. 


I decided about a month ago to get a third phone (the first phone is at home since the network I use for that one doesn’t have reception in the office) so that I can leave it to my temporary replacement at work and at the same time, I don’t confuse personal calls to pesky candidates calling in the middle of the night. Since both Sun and Smart have sh*tty reception in my building, I had no choice but to get another one from Globe. I guess the rival networks are too focused on their marketing to look take care of their customer service departments. And so, I present to you the ways you can irritate the f*ck out of yourself:

1. Face-to-face or In Your Face?

-Just walk into any of the three network’s store and you will be greeted by unfriendly guards and agents who ignore you

-Pick a number, if you are there 5 minutes after the mall’s opening. You’re 350th and they are bound to be “currently serving customer #1”

-They base their policy on food on Hitler’s concentration camps: you wait for a long time but you’re supposed to starve yourself while you do. Oh, they don’t care if you’re pregnant. No food allowed(unless you’re one of their employees).

-They don’t value potential new customers, if they see an old customer they are friends with (even if that customer is cancelling their line), they let someone applying for a platinum plan look on awkwardly

-Their seats (if any) are designed to make you leave upon sitting on those things

-No one seems to know anything! Are their reps being paid just to talk to each other?


2. Their Websites Only Have Pretty Pictures

-They have chat support! YEHEY! All the reps are busy though. The ENTIRE DAY. 

-The keywords you’re supposed to type in so they can filter your inquiries, DON’T work. It’s either you have to type using sanskrit or they have hired a bunch of trolls to develop their programs

-If you apply online, expect a call in NEVER!!!

-IF you are one of the chosen few that are called, be prepared to answer all information about yourself from your birthday to the middle name of your high school crush’s driver’s mom.

-AND they call at the most inopportune times.

-Once they say that they have all the information they need and will be processing your application, expect that your application has gone to a special place in purgatory where Philippine mobile networks are storing all line applications they receive.

3. They Like To Test Your Phone’s Battery Time

-When you call the hotline, it takes forever just to get to the inquiry you need. ex.”If you need to contact a person who won’t give a sh*t about your application, press 12738472095872957″ *repeat 77058972878935 times

-And when you do press the number, they don’t transfer you to a “live customer service/sales agent”, they tell you to call 38957292352768268927 and all those numbers? they make sure they cram it into 2 seconds.

-After calling back a million times to get the right number, you will be put on hold. While waiting you can have a kid, repaint a replica of the Sistine Chapel and create a robot from popsicle sticks.

-When you finally get through to a live human being, they ask you the so many questions about your personal life, it feels like all they want is to create a facebook account in your behalf.

-Their reps don’t know anything. They will keep telling you to “inquire in the store” or text for inquiries.

4. Textmates With The Devil

-Once you follow the damn agent’s advice to just text your concern (because you didn’t get sh*t from them), text the keyword and what do you know? It doesn’t work they will message you back with the phrase “…. not recognized” along with a list of suggested keywords

-When the app replies with the set of suggested keywords, no matter how you text/copy paste those damn keywords, they will reply with the same “…. not recognized”. Don’t fool yourself by using different phones or numbers; texting in all caps, small caps or even in jejemon will not work.

-This is the same regardless of what time of the day or day of the week you attempt to do it. Their goal is to drive you crazy and they WILL succeed. 

 5. Repeat

-If you are still interested in availing of their crappy services, you are bound to try out all of these options again. You will feel stupid for doing so and will start wishing that phones never existed or at least those damn networks would start caring about customers instead of just beating the competition in terms of crappy service.


And yes, after a month of doing all 5, I am about to embark on week 5 of this cycle. I think I have done all possible arrangements of all the steps. Maybe I will try doing all of those in a single day. I’m pretty sure I will be able to give birth prematurely from all the stress that will cause.